WISE Support

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive and manipulative behaviors committed against a current or former intimate partner to gain power and control. Intimate partner violence, relationship violence and dating violence are all terms used to refer to a relationship that is abusive. Anyone can be a victim or perpetrator, they come from all demographics.

You can read more in our Surviving Domestic Violence Booklet.

• On average, 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the United States.
• According to the CDC, 1 in 4 women will experience severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
• In Vermont over the last 13 years, 52% of all homicides were domestic violence related (2007 Vermont Fatality Review).
• In New Hampshire, more than 50% of women will experience a sexual and/or physical assault in their lifetime (2007 New Hampshire Violence Against Women Report).
• WISE has 30+ trained advocates to support you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 866-348-WISE for immediate support.

Abusers who are LGBTQIA are exercising the same behaviors of power and control, entitlement and ownership over their partners, just as heterosexual or cis abusers. Additional layers of shame, depression, fear, powerlessness and silence are created when identities are culturally marginalized. It may not feel safe looking for support from families, friends or communities who had previously excluded you because of your LGBTQIA identity. If the abuser is also part of the LGBTQIA community it may feel extra hard to find support because of pressure from the group, or fear of additional criticism from the outside world. Abuse is never your fault.

• 44% of lesbian women and 61% of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner.
• 26% of gay men and 37% of bisexual men experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.
• 25% – 33% of LGBT relationships are abusive. This is the same percentage as straight relationships.
• 36.3% of lesbians, 55.1% bisexual women have been slapped, pushed, or shoved by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

Domestic violence can happen regardless of where we live, who we are, whom we love, where we come from, what our economic status is, what language we speak, or what our citizenship status is. An abuser may use specific tactics related to your identity as an immigrant to maintain power and control over you.

• disrespect you in public or in private?
• get angry if you spend time with others?
• demand you share social media passwords, texts, and phone messages?
• prevent you from working, sleeping, studying, or taking care of yourself?
• take your money and not pay you back?
• insist this is what relationships are like?
• claim your friends or family are trying to ruin your relationship?
• blame you for problems in your relationship?
• pressure you to do sexual things that make you uncomfortable?
• force you to drink, use drugs, or do things that get you into trouble?
• destroy your belongings or property around you?
• undermine your parenting or threaten to take away your kids?
• provoke you and blame you for your reaction?
• threaten to share personal information, spread rumors or hurt oneself or both of you?

• poor anger management skills—domestic violence is about a desire to have power and control over the partner, not because the abuser gets angry or “out of hand.”
• substance use or abuse—drugs and alcohol often act as an excuse for an abuser to act more extreme but the manipulative and coercive behaviors are present without substances.
• childhood experiences of abuse—violence is a learned behavior but it is not an excuse for perpetration.
• low self-esteem—abusers feel entitled to power and control over their partners and are confident that the behavior is acceptable.
• lack of trust – is never an excuse to control what their partners do, to whom they talk to or with whom they spend time.
• Abuse is never your fault.

There are ways to increase your safety while you are in an abusive relationship and when you are leaving one. We believe that you are the expert in your situation. Only you know how to stay safe from your abuser.

Identify the people in your life that you can tell about the abuse: friends, family members, co-workers, doctors, police officers, advocates.

Establish a safe word that will tell your supporters that you need them to take action without alerting the abuser that help is on the way.

Think about how you want your supporters to help you: listen, keep important documents safe or hold onto money, call the police. Keep records and evidence of the abuse: take pictures of injuries or property damages, keep a log of events, call the police.

Keep your prescriptions safe from your abuser. If you are concerned about your abuser damaging or withholding birth control, talk with your medical provider about the best method for you. Find a hidden place for money and copies of important documents. Create new email/Facebook accounts and phone number.

Avoid dangerous clothing or accessories (i.e., scarfs or long necklaces that can strangle).

Create several believable reasons and alibis for you to avoid time with your abuser.

Identify safe places where you can go for short or long periods of time. Some ideas: a friend’s or family member’s home, work, park, public business, shopping center, bookstore, the police station, library.

Seek medical treatment for injuries caused by the abuse and have injuries documented by a medical professional.

Read about the considerations for safety around technology.

Leaving is a dangerous time for victims of domestic violence. Take all threats seriously.

Anticipate how your abuser may react to your ending the relationship.

If you have children, will he call the police and accuse you of kidnapping?

Women who are victims of domestic violence have a higher rate of being arrested—might he accuse you of a crime?

Do you have shared bank accounts or credit cards that he may empty or max out?

Secure your money. If you have children, it is recommended that you take 75% of shared income. If you do not have children, take 50%. You do not have to spend the money, but it is very common for abusers to empty accounts or max out credit cards after their victim leaves. Learn more about financial safety.

Bring important items and documents such as: identification, birth certificates (yours and children’s), clothing, lease, house deed, insurance papers, house and car keys, medications, jewelry/valuable objects, address book/important contacts, school records, immunization records, last year’s tax return, comfort items.

Consider making arrangements with a friend or animal shelter if you have pets and do not want to leave them with the abuser. Call 866-348-WISE. You can talk with an advocate abut to a safe strategy for leaving.

Establish a “safe word” with your kids that will signal when they should leave or call for help.

Talk with your children about how they can stay safe and where they can go when they feel afraid.

Help your kids think of safe adults that they can call or go to when they have questions or are scared.

Encourage your kids to identify emotions and build skills to honor their needs in safe ways.

Talk with your children’s school or care providers and create a safety plan.

Tell your children that violence and abuse are never okay. It is not their fault OR yours.

Tell your children’s school/care givers the specific people who are and are not allowed to pick them up.

Talk to your children about what they should do if they feel scared with a parent. Allow your kids to talk about the relationship without worrying about your feelings.

Plan with your children about what they should do if they see a parent without visitation rights or if the parent tries to contact them.

Remind your children that even though the abusive behavior is never ok, it is ok for the children to still love the abusive parent or want a relationship with him or her. Help your children connect with adults that they can talk to when they are confused.

Change your cell phone number or block your abuser’s number.

Unfriend the abuser on Facebook and other social media platforms, make sure your privacy settings are strong.

Inform family members, housemates and/or co-workers to screen your calls and make sure your abuser cannot contact you or visit you at work.

Avoid certain areas that your abuser may look for you (i.e., banks, stores, restaurants, gyms).

Record any irregular occurrences, stalking behaviors, or signs of the abuser. Be aware that abusers can easily access technological devices to stalk their victims.

Change or vary your routines so that your abuser cannot track or follow you.

Plan in advance what you will do if you see your abuser in public or if they try to contact you.

Identify people that you can reach out to when you need support. Apply for a Domestic Violence Petition from Lebanon Family Court or Relief from Abuse Order from Windsor Family Court. WISE can help you with this. You can read about the relief that is available in specific states here.

Supporting a friend or loved one who is in an abusive relationship can feel frustrating, overwhelming and scary. Here are some helpful tips for supporting victims, safely and effectively:

Stay in touch: Abusers frequently isolate their victims from friends and family. Do not take it personally if your friend is suddenly busy or unable to see you. Do your best to stay in your friend’s life, check in on your friend and let him or her know that you are available.

Listen and believe: Abusers intentionally make their victims feel confused, embarrassed and/or guilty. Listen to your friend openly and without judgment.

Focus on the abuse: Point out the behaviors that are abusive rather than criticize the abuser. Talking about what an awful person the abuser is naturally makes the victim feel defensive.

Use the Empowerment Model: The goal of an abuser is to have power and control over the victim. Remind them that they have the power to make his or her own decisions.

Safety plan: The victim knows best how to keep himself or herself and the children safe. Ask how you can be a helpful piece of their safety plan.

Call our crisis line, 866-348-WISE to talk with a WISE advocate about how to support someone in your life.

Sexual violence is any unwanted sexual contact or behavior including: sexual harassment, voyeurism and rape. Only we should be able decide what happens to our bodies and it is never our fault when someone chooses to violate that right.

• any sexual act with someone who, for any reason, cannot consent or refuse
• any act of violence where sex is a weapon
• any form of non-consensual sexual activity
• any sexual act one is manipulated, coerced, or forced to do
• Each state has different laws around sexual violence and reporting.

Each state has different laws around sexual violence and reporting.

Vermont state sexual assault statute

Find your state sexual assault statute

You can read more in our Surviving Sexual Violence Booklet.

Rape is defined by the FBI as: “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

1 in 4 women report surviving rape or attempted rape at some point in their lifetime.

91.9% of female victims of rape were a partner or acquaintance of the perpetrator. (CDC, NISVS, 2011).

For female rape survivors, 98.1% of the time a man was the perpetrator (Black, Basile, Breiding, Smith, Walters, & Merrick, 2011).

For male rape survivors, 93% of the time, a man was the perpetrator. (Black, Basile, Breiding, Smith, Walters, & Merrick, 2011).

96.1% of drug related sexual assault involved alcohol consumption (Steven et al., 2010).

In up to 50% of the cases, the victim, perpetrator, or both had been drinking (Abbey et al, 2004).

WISE has 30+ trained advocates to support you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 866-348-WISE for immediate support.

Everyone’s experiences of sexual violence are different and unique. Additional layers of shame, depression, fear, powerlessness and silence are created when identities are culturally marginalized. It may not feel safe looking for support from families, friends or communities who had previously excluded you because of your LGBTQIA identity. If the perpetrator is also part of the LGBTQIA community it may feel extra hard to find support because of pressure from the group or fear of additional criticism from the outside world.

Rape myths often hide the realities of dating and sexual violence in our culture and make it much harder to recognize all the varieties of experiences and identities that are affected. Cultural myths such as women cannot rape or that a man who raped a man must be gay, can make survivors feel like their experience was not actually an assault and create implications or confusion around sense of identity or what happened. If you experienced sexual violence, know that it is real and it is not your fault.

Hate Crimes
When people are targets for crime and violence because of their identity, the violence is considered a hate crime. There are additional laws that exist to protect people who are victims of hate motivated violence. There are additional laws that exist to protect people who are victims of hate motivated violence.

In our society, men and boys are pressured to be strong, powerful, dominant, and in control at all times. Because of social pressure, male survivors of sexual violence often feel unable to talk about what happened or to seek help. Everyone processes sexual assault differently. Whatever you may be feeling is normal. Some common feelings that male victims experience are:

Confusion: Sexual violence does not always hurt. You may have been physically aroused by what happened. It is a normal physiological response and does not mean that you wanted the assault to happen.

Questioning: Sometimes men, who were assaulted by other men, question their sexuality. A physiological response stimulated by a perpetrator does not indicate homosexuality.

Betrayal: You may feel that your body betrayed you because you did not fight the perpetrator. It is very common for sexual assault victims to freeze, be unable to fight, or give in because it is safer.

Embarrassment: You did nothing wrong and did not cause the assault. The perpetrator is the only one to blame for what happened. It was not your fault.

Avoidance: You may have a desire to avoid your feelings or forget about the assault. You can talk about what happened to you. You do not have to go through this alone.

WISE advocates support all survivors of sexual violence, including men. For information and support exclusively for male victims, check out www.1in6.org . You are not alone.

Sexual violence can take many forms in various immigrant communities, including but not limited to sexual assault, forced marriage, and female genital mutilation.

If you do not have legal residency, you may worry that the assault will affect your ability to remain in this country or will affect your attempt to become a legal resident. As a victim of a crime, you have very specific rights. However, immigration can be very complicated. Our immigration attorney can help you think through your options.

Any sexual violence that you experienced was not your fault. No matter the situation, no one deserves to have someone else treat you that way. As an immigrant you may experience additional or unique challenges in the aftermath of sexual violence:

Community Alienation. Domestic violence and sexual assault are frequently normalized or regarded as a “family issue.” You may be afraid to seek support fearing you will be stigmatized by or alienated from your community. Religious values may play a part in this process, prioritizing the unity of the family over your safety.

Service Accessibility. If English is not your first language, it may be challenging to access advocacy and support. WISE has access to translators and can arrange for phone and in person meetings with you, an advocate, and the translator.

Fear of Deportation. Many immigrants stay silent about their abuse because they fear deportation. Due to their very different legal statuses, refugees, legal immigrants, and undocumented immigrants have different rights in these situations.

Refugees bear a special status from the US government, allowing them to petition for legal permanent residence after one year in the US. Although you may be protected from deportation as a legal permanent resident, the perpetrator can be deported if convicted. Women often resist seeking help because they do not want husbands or partners to be deported.

People who are immigrants on spousal visas depend on their partners for their legal right to be in the US. They can be deported without the relationship to their spouse. As a result, victims may not feel safe seeking help at the risk of alienating a spouse and losing their legal right to be in the US. If this is your experience, our immigration attorney can help you navigate this situation.

The legal definition of consent varies from state to state.
New Hampshire Legal definition of Consent
Vermont Legal definition of Consent
Your state’s legal definition of Consent

Legal definitions of consent can be confusing and relying on your interpretation of someone else’s body language is not enough to be sure someone is consenting. Consent is not just permission. For any sexual act to be consensual, it has to be freely chosen, without coercion, force or manipulation. A person has to want to engage in sexual activity for it to be consensual. The clearest way to guarantee consent is to talk. Current ideas about hooking up are based on the idea that we can assume everything is okay until someone says NO. This is wrong. Consent means that you are asking before anything happens and assuming a NO until you hear a clear YES.

• Pressuring someone to say “yes” is not consent.
• Body language must match verbal language. If your partner(s) does not seem into it, check in with them.
• Consent for one sexual activity does not assume consent for another sexual activity.
• You and your partner(s) can change your mind and stop whenever you want. Just because you have started to hook up, does not mean you are consenting to more.
• Alcohol and drugs can affect one’s ability to consent.
• No one can legally give their consent when they are incapacitated.
• “No” does not mean “try harder.”

What does consent sound like?

YES!
Let’s do it
I want to___
That feels so good
Keep going
Don’t stop
Can I touch you____?
Check in with your partner
What do you want to do?
Do you like this?
Do you want to make out?
Would you be into doing ___?
Does that feel good?
What do you like?
What do you want to do to me?
What do you want me to do to you?
Do you want to try _____?
Do you want to stop?
Do you want to keep going?
Are you OK?
Is there anything you don’t want me to do to you?

Check in with your partner

What do you want to do?

Do you like this?

Do you want to make out?

Would you be into doing?
Does that feel good?
What do you like?
What do you want to do to me?
What do you want me to do to you?
Do you want to try __?

Do you want to stop?

Do you want to keep going?

Are you OK? Is there anything you don’t want me to do to you?

More resources for consent

Watch,
Sex Needs a New Metaphor
Read,
Consent Culture
Mythcommunication
If She’s Not Having Fun You Have To Stop
An Immodest Proposal

50% all victims do not identify what has happened to them as “rape.” This is especially true when no weapon was used, there is no obvious physical injury, or alcohol was involved.

We all respond to trauma in different ways, you are your best expert. WISE advocates can talk you through your options, so you can decide what makes sense for you.

You may want to consider seeing a healthcare provider to check for internal or external injuries and test for pregnancy or STIs. In the Upper Valley, this can be done at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, Mt. Ascutney, Alice Peck Day or Planned Parenthood. If you are a veteran, the VA is also available.

Nurses, called Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANEs), are specially trained to care for sexual assault victims and collect physical evidence. Official evidence collection can be done within 5 days, but care and possibly other evidence collection is available and worth seeking out after 5 days.

Try to avoid the following: brushing teeth, eating, drinking, showering, going to the bathroom or anything that may destroy physical evidence on your body.

If you can, bring the clothes that you were wearing during the assault (especially underwear) in a brown paper bag.

The SANE will notify the police only if you give permission, unless you are under 18, unable to care for yourself, or if there was long-term bodily harm. Evidence can be collected by a SANE anonymously. You do not have to decide to make a report. The evidence will be stored should you choose to make a report at a later date.

SANE exams are paid for by the state. Your insurance should not be billed. Talk to the SANE about billing.

If you want to report the assault to law enforcement, contact the police. Crimes are investigated in the town that the crime occurred, so usually you should call police in that town. A WISE advocate can do this with you.

If you are under 18 and tell a healthcare provider, teacher, or other mandated reporter about the assault, the police will automatically be called.

We know that when we experience trauma, our brains usually do not remember events chronologically and memories might come back over time. This is a normal physiological response to what has happened. Some people find it helpful to write things down as they remember it. You can read more about trauma in our Surviving Sexual Violence Booklet.

Supporting someone who has survived sexual violence is much harder when we do not have good information. Because of the widespread myths that exist about sexual violence, many survivors feel silenced. Read the Surviving Sexual Violence Booklet more information, tips and resources.

Listen and believe People usually do not want to talk about experiencing sexual assault. False reporting only happens in rare occasions. If the survivor says that it happened, it did.

Tell the survivor it was not their fault No one wants to be assaulted. The survivor did not ask for it no matter where they were, what they were wearing, how much they were drinking, or what they were doing. The only reason the assault happened is that the perpetrator chose to assault the individual.

Use the Empowerment Model A victim loses power when violated. By empowering the survivor to make their own decisions, you help them regain power. Let the survivor have control. Let the individual see how proud you are that they survived.

Let the survivor process at their own pace It can be a difficult time for loved ones because they want the survivor to “get better.” Each person has their own pace for processing. Rushing a survivor’s process is not helpful.

Encourage the survivor to practice self-care Walks, eating well, taking baths, yoga or spending time with friends can be healing activities. We all want and need different things. Help identify what would be comforting to the individual.

Stalking is a pattern of behavior directed at a specific person that would put a reasonable person in fear. The motivation of a stalker is to have power and control over the victim.

New Hampshire Stalking Law
Vermont Stalking Law

Stalking can involve threats or sexual innuendo and the stalker generally tries to intimidate or induce fear in the person they are stalking.

1 in 4 women and 1 in 13 men have experienced stalking at least once in their lifetime.

81% of victims stalked by their intimate partners report previous physical assaults by the same offender (NVAW Survey). 66% of female victims and 41% of male victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners.

Abusers may stalk their victims as a way to maintain control during the relationship.

Abusers may stalk their victims as a way to regain their control if the victim leaves the relationship.

Stalking victims who are raped most often identify the stalker as a former intimate partner, friend, roommate or neighbor (U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics 2009).

WISE has 30+ trained advocates to support you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call our crisis line (866) 348-WISE for immediate support.

Victims may only realize they are being stalked once they identify a pattern of strange or suspicious incidents

• receiving phone calls and text messages
• getting incessant messages left on social networking sites
• finding unwanted letters or gifts
• feeling of being followed, stared at or watched
• seeing the stalker at random or unusual places
• having things moved or missing from your home
• creating print flyers about you
• posting information about you online
• trying to contact or gain information about you through other people
• showing up at your home, work, etc. uninvited
• making direct or indirect threats to harm you or people in your life
• damaging your property

The person being stalked often develops a sense of loss of control over his or her life and is forced to change routines.

Perpetrators may use technology as a tool for stalking. Technology is constantly changing and advancing. It’s important that you regularly check privacy and security settings for your personal profiles.

A stalker may:

• check your internet history if they have access to your computer
• install spyware software that sends copies of your keystrokes including: passwords, websites visited, emails sent
• follow you via social media “check-ins” or mutual “friends”
• post private information, pictures or other content about you, build websites or blogs
• write attacks through email or social media
• send incessant emails or messages
• call constantly and leave voicemails and text messages
• use call spoofing software that allows him or her to change the number that appears on your caller ID or change the sound of his or her voice
• track you using GPS within your cell phone if the stalker has access to your cell phone account
• place GPS underneath your car, in your bag, etc.
• place very small cameras in your room, or car.

In New Hampshire:

You may apply for a Domestic Violence Petition if you are being stalked by a current or former intimate partner or household member. If your stalker does not meet the relationship criteria for a DV Petition, you may apply for a Stalking Petition. Both orders are obtained at Lebanon Family Court in Centerra Parkway.

To learn more about police support in New Hampshire, read the NH Stalking Protocol for Law Enforcement.

In Vermont:

You may apply for a Relief from Abuse Order if you are being stalked by a current or former intimate partner or household member. If your stalker does not meet the relationship criteria for an RFA, you may apply for an Order Against Stalking or Sexual Assault. Both orders are obtained at Windsor Family Court.

Listen and believe

Many behaviors of stalkers are not criminal and may not look scary or harmful out of context. A victim may find talking about the experience difficult. They may fear that they will not be believed or will be viewed as crazy. Validate the individual’s feelings and experiences.

Check in often

Stay in contact. Establish a frequency of time that the two of you will connect.

Document evidence

Document any evidence of stalking that you witness. Make a report to the police if the individual asks for your help.